Some
Pretty Rude Rib-ticklers
Nudist Colony
Bob joins a very
exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an
erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning
sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here
that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me. Smiling,
she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel by the
side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his
way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man
with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
The Huge Man: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you
fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench
and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist
greets him; May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500
joining fee."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours;
you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replied: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
Little Mistake
The southern
preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has
spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and
one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and
do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to
stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me
and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in
your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous *blond* with a body that would
not stop, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice
quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never
said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.
The Big One
When Ralph first
noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he
was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had
grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and
his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple
that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective
surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?", the wife asked
anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?", responded the
surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to
lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
Typical Blonde
A Blonde tries
to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior
experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately
springs into action.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle. In terror she grabs
for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to it's slipping rider.
Unfortunately, the blondes foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against
the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from
losing consciousness when, to her great fortune,
the Woolworth's Manager sees her and switches off the horse.
What Size Condom Do You Need?
A sixty year old
man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout
#3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"
She says "Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know" he replies.
"Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his
pants, takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA
LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout
#3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"
He says "Well, I don't know."
She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants,
takes a couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE
CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to
the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys
sell any condoms here?"
"Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know" he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel,
pauses and says over the intercom, "CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE.
CLEAN UP IN AISLE 3."
Cell Phone Man
This guy was in
a bar talking to his hand. The bartender came to him and said, "I
do not want weirdo's in my bar. I might ask you to leave."
The guy said, "I'm talking to my cell phone. I got tired of
carrying my cell phone so I had it imbedded into my hand."
The bartender did not believe him, so the guy had the bartender dial a
number and then talked into his hand. The bartender said, "How
cool!"
As the evening went on the bar got more crowded. The bartender looked
up and noticed the guy was gone but his drink and cigarettes were
still there. The bartender got worried and went looking for him. The
bartender went into the bathroom and saw the guy on the floor with his
pants down to his knees and a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
The bartender asked, "Are you OK? Who did this to you?"
The guy replied, "I'm OK, just waiting for a fax!"
Teddy Bears
A man meets a
gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving
together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment,
he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium
sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf
along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection
of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not
to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow
the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom
shelf."
Execution Redneck Style
There was a
German, an Italian and a Texas Redneck on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: was to be shot was
to be hung was to be injected with the AIDS virus.
So the German said,"Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he
was dead instantly).
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing. The guards
looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said "Give me another one of those shots,"
so the guards did. Now the was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his
eyes and he doubled over.
So finally the warden said,"What the hell is wrong with
you?"
The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a
condom."
Doctor's Visit
A man walked
into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the
receptionist asked "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he
said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said.
"Please go outside and come back in and say that there's
something wrong with your ear or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it!" the man replied.
Never Too Old For A Tetanus Shot
This old man in
his eighty's got up from his chair and was putting on his coat. His
wife said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
She said, "Why, are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new
Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If your going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."